★Alive★

#關於這首歌

“Heaven” is the ninth track from Troye Sivan’s debut album, Blue Neighbourhood, slated for release on the 4th of December, 2015. The song is a collaboration with Australian singer-songwriter Betty Who.

In the teaser video for “Heaven”, Troye explained the meaning behind the song

“Heaven”是Troye Sivan在2015年12月4日發行的專輯，Blue Neighbourhood（中文譯作”藍色年少”）中的第9首，這首歌也是一首和澳洲女歌手/作曲家Betty Who合作的一首曲子。

在“Heaven”的預告影片中，Troye解釋了這首歌歌詞背後的意義

When I first started to realise I might be gay, I had to ask myself all of these questions […] If there is a God, does that God hate me? If there is a heaven, am I ever gonna make it to heaven? Eventually I got to the point where I was like, if there is a heaven but I can’t bemyself up there, then maybe I don’t want heaven."

“This is about trying to keep your pride. This is one of the only times that I’ve actually specifically written about coming out and being gay and I guess the motivation for me for staying in the closet was trying to save face and keep my pride and not embarrass myself. You start asking your questions what would your parents think and what would they say to their friends and are they gonna be upset about potentially it being a lot harder for them to have grandkids, and all of those questions that kind of pop into your mind.

It’s kind of sad, I think I had a lot more faith when I was young. But because of my sexuality, the idea that before I’ve even woken up in the morning I’m some sort of sinner kind of threw me off and put me off religion in general.

I understand there’s a lot of Christian gay people or Jewish gay people or Muslim gay people who have completely found peace within their faith and their sexuality, but for me it was always a bit of a struggle. There was a time when I was trying hard to keep faith and kind of set the relationship in my mind but I don’t know if I ever really got there.

I wanted to picture a relationship, but at the same time I’m also talking about a future child. I really really want to have kids – that was another thing that was really heartbreaking for me when I was coming out, the thought that I’m not gonna be able to.

Now I am completely open to all of the different ways that one can have kids and so it’s still something that I really want and I think that it’s something that will pull me through life, the idea of a little kid looking up at me. I think it’s really sweet.

If there is one I like to think I’m a good enough person to make it there. Being a sinner before you’ve even woken up in the morning and done anything wrong or before you’re even born (because I believe that people are born LGBT), it’s just something that doesn’t sit well with me. I get a little bitter about it and I’m like, okay maybe I don’t even need that or want that.

The song is also about finding your self-confidence too. No matter what you have to go through to be able to accept yourself, I think it’s completely worth it. When you finally arrive at self-peace and you accept who you are, I feel like nothing can really touch you andeven if you don’t make it to heaven or whatever it’s completely cool because you loved yourself.”

「當我開始意識到我可能是同性戀時，我必須不斷的問我自己……如果神真的存在，祂會不會因此恨我？如果天堂真的存在，那我有沒有機會到達那邊？

最後我了解了，如果天堂真的存在但我沒辦法在那邊做我自己，那也許我並不那麼渴望天堂。」

 「這是關於試著保持對自己的驕傲。這是唯一一次我真正具體的描寫關於出櫃和當一個同性戀的一切，我想當初我會想要隱藏這個秘密是因為我試著顧好面子、對自己的驕傲和不讓我自己感到羞恥。當你開始開始問你自己一些問題像是，你的父母親會怎麼想？他們會不會跟他們的朋友說什麼？他們會不會對於要擁有一個孫子是一件很困難的事感到憂傷？這些問題就像是不停地從腦海裡跳出來。

 我想當我還小的時候，對於自己的宗教還比較虔誠，而這還蠻令人難過的。因為當我發現自己的性向時，早上還沒醒來時有一部份的我在大部分的宗教中就已經是個罪人這個想法讓我漸漸地不再相信宗教。

我知道有很多基督徒或猶太教或穆斯林的同性戀在他們自己的宗教和同性戀這件事中找到了平衡點，但這件事對我來說一直以來都有點掙扎。有的時候我會很努力地保持對宗教的信仰然後在腦海裡想像我和另一個人交往的情境，但我甚至不知道自己能不能做到。

 在這首歌裡，我想要傳達的是一段感情故事，但同時我也在敘述一個還沒有出生的小孩。我真的真的很想要有小孩，但我沒辦法擁有，那是另一個很令我心碎的事實。現在我對於任何能夠讓一個人擁有小孩的方式，而那也還是一個我真的很想要的東西，我想一個小小孩抬頭盯著我看的念頭常常幫助我度過某些特別困難的時刻，對我而言那十分的甜蜜。

 我曾經反覆的想，我是不是夠好足以讓我到達天堂？早上還沒醒來時有一部份的我在大部分的宗教中就已經是個罪人，或是在你出生前就已經做了什麼不被允許的事（因為我相信同性戀是天生）這個想法還是令我感到不安。我對那感到有點懷恨然後那感覺就像是當我終於領悟到『好吧，也許我並沒有需要那麼在乎或想要到達天堂。』

 這首歌也是關於尋找你的自信心，不管你必須經歷的是接受哪方面的自我，我想到頭來那都是值得的。當你真的找到屬於自己的平靜並接受你是誰，我想那就像是已經沒什麼可以傷害到你，就算你不能到達天堂或成為你自己本來想成為的樣子，你還是很酷的因為你愛你自己。」

#歌詞

The truth runs wild

真實得如此瘋狂

Like a tear down a cheek

像是臉頰上的一道淚痕，藏也藏不住

Trying to save face, and daddy heart break

試著不讓家人丟臉，不讓爸爸心碎

I'm lying through my teeth

我欺騙了所有人

This voice inside

腦海裡那個小小的聲音，不斷提醒著我

Has been eating at me

這個祕密正一步一步地的侵蝕我

Trying to replace the love that I fake

試圖取代我偽裝出來，對其他女孩的愛

With what we both need

也許這對我們來說都比較好

The truth runs wild

事實已經變得如此瘋狂

Like kids on concrete

像是孩童在水泥地板上玩耍般的危險

Trying to sedate, my mind in it's cage

試著讓自己鎮靜下來，我的心安穩地待在籠中

And numb what I see

麻木地看著，推開腦中唯一的想法

Awake, wide eyed

徹夜難眠，我不停地懷疑自己

I'm screaming at me

我對著自己尖叫，憤怒不已
Trying to keep faith and picture his face

試著保持自信心，在腦海中描繪著他的臉龐

Staring up at me

低頭看見一張天真的小臉盯著我瞧

Without losing a piece of me

如果不失去一部份的自我

How do I get to heaven?

我該如何到達天堂？

Without changing a part of me

如果不改變一部份的我

How do I get to heaven?

要怎麼樣才能到達天堂？

All my time is wasted

徒然浪費了光陰

Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh

覺得也許我的心最初就是個錯誤

So if I'm losing a piece of me

我想，如果我必須失去一部份的自我

Maybe I don't want heaven?

也許我並不渴望天堂

[Betty Who:]
The truth runs wild

真實得如此瘋狂

Like the rain to the sea

像是落入大海的雨

Trying to set straight the lines that I trace

試著遵循著這個世界的規則，、自小被教導的倫理

To find some relief

試著得到一絲絲的慰藉

This voice inside

腦海裡的小聲音

Has been eating at me

一個不斷的侵蝕著我的秘密

Trying to embrace the picture I paint

試著接受那個我一直嚮往的世界

And colour me free

撒上絢爛的色彩，放我自己自由

Without losing a piece of me

如果不失去一部份的自我

How do I get to heaven?

我該如何到達天堂？

Without changing a part of me

如果不改變一部份的我

How do I get to heaven?

要怎麼樣才能到達天堂？

All my time is wasted

徒然浪費了光陰

Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh

也許我的心最初就是個錯誤

So if I'm losing a piece of me

我想，如果我必須失去一部份的自我

Maybe I don't want heaven?

也許我並不渴望天堂

So I'm counting to fifteen

從一數到十五讓自己冷靜下來

Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen

從一數到十五，從一數到十五

So I'm counting to fifteen

慢慢地等，等到十五歲了再告訴你

Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen

不停地數著，不停地等待

So I'm counting to fifteen

從一數到十五讓自己冷靜下來

Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen

從一數到十五，從一數到十五

So I'm counting to fifteen

慢慢地等，等到十五歲了再告訴你

Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen

不停地數著，不停地等待

Without losing a piece of me

如果不失去一部份的自我

How do I get to heaven?

我該如何到達天堂？

Without changing a part of me

如果不改變一部份的我

How do I get to heaven?

要怎麼樣才能到達天堂？

All my time is wasted

徒然浪費了光陰
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh

也許我的心最初就是個錯誤

So if I'm losing a piece of me

我想，如果我必須失去一部份的自我

Maybe I don't want heaven?

也許我並不渴望天堂

The truth runs wild

事實已經變得如此的瘋狂

Like a tear down a cheek

像是流下臉頰的淚珠一樣無法隱藏